Fifty Shades of Grey? More like Fifty Shades of crap

Before I begin the review of Fifty Shades of Grey I’ll throw out some figures for you. Fifty Shades of Grey, the book by EL James was bought by over a 100 million people. Since the film’s release, it has broken big Box office records and made approximately $486,655,875 (that’s around $487 million). So basically in a short span of 17 days, Fifty Shades has created quite a storm. And these figures make me sad. Mainly because I watched the film and much to my non-surprise I found out that it is as ridiculous as a fictional movie can get, and when I say fictional I mean cowboys and aliens’ fiction! I would gladly watch KRK’s Deshdrohi over this and find more meaning in it’s plot!

The Plot

The plot of the film is pretty simple. There is a horny English Major Anastasia Steele (played tolerably by Dakota Johnson) who is super attracted to this rich billionaire named Christian Grey (played annoyingly by Jamie Dornan) and she voluntarily gets into an contract-based agreement (Grey takes his kink very seriously) with him because oh, yes, you guessed it, he is kind of hot and her only shot at having a boyfriend. Thus, begins the excruciatingly painful journey to the “red room” where she gets flogged, tied up and REALLY hurt, just because she wants some action in her life and doesn’t know of conventional methods to get it.

NO love in the ‘Love-story’

Now before you dismiss me as some prude without an open-mind, let me tell you that I am cool with BDSM. But that becomes the sole reason for Christian and Anastasia to start a warped relationship and I don’t get that, at all! To be fair to Anna, she is falling for creepy Grey despite all the hitting and hurting (Stockholm Syndrome, I guess) but the tool-bag that he is, Grey just wants her to be his sex slave. As a “reward” for her services Mr Grey even promises to act like a normal person on certain weekdays, AWW so sweet *retches*

It is revealed during the course of the film that Christian was introduced to the dominant-submissive style of sex-having by his mother’s friend when he was, wait for it, 15. Isn’t that like child abuse or something? Anyway, he doesn’t have a frame of reference on how to have sex like a regular person and Anna is the perfect person to come aboard on this twisted contractual agreement of dominant and submissive because she is a virgin and has no frame of reference at all. How convenient!

Dumb vs Douchebag

As their “relationship” progresses (I found Haider’s relationship with Ghazala to be more normal than their’s) Anna falls hard for Christian and wants him to be her bf forever. But Christian’s douchebaggery comes in the way because he doesn’t do romance. So Anna asks to be punished by Christian as she thinks that is the only way she can understand why Christian is like this (at this point picture my brain being licked off a wall by a cat) He whacks her black and blue with a solid leather belt and she regrets having asked for the punishment, duh!

And quite illogically after having been his sex pet for the entire film, in the end she tells Christian to “Stay!” (like how you would tell a dog to stay in one place, that.) The film ends abruptly leaving me with a sinking reminder that the book it was adapted from was part of a trilogy!

The not-so-sexy Christian Grey

Let’s talk about the lead actors Jamie and Dakota for a sec. While I liked Dakota’s commitment to the role of a hormonal weirdo, I was plain irritated by Jamie’s presence in the film. Why would you cast this guy? He is not attractive, he has an odd body (notice his abs on his chest), he has a speech impediment and he looks totally harmless! There is zero intensity in his eyes. I think he regretted taking up the part while shooting for the film. There was nothing ‘intimidating” (as Anna keeps saying) or sexy about this Christian. To me he was just a freak who grossed me out every time he had a scene! If I were Dakota, I would only have been worried about Jamie spitting on my face during all his lines because it looks like he has some weird spit buildup in his mouth every time he is about to speak!

The sexually starved Anastasia Steel

Having made my feelings about Christian and Jamie crystal clear I’d want to talk about Anastasia’s character. Now I am an English major myself. I am also about the same age as she is. But I would NEVER go for an offer to be some rich guy’s sex slave just because he “noticed” me. Did Literature teach you nothing, Anna? Women fought relentlessly to be treated as human beings and with your sex drive you just set the clock back by 100 years! Is having a boyfriend, no matter what it entails, the be all and end all of your life? Aren’t you educated enough to realise that he has made you sign a contract to be his bitch?

My biggest problem with Fifty Shades is it’s portrayal of BDSM. Being kinky can be a part of your sexual tastes, it definitely should not be the sole purpose of your existence. The message this film sends out is that horny women who want a boyfriend will be up for anything. It’s portrayal of Anna reduces women to an unthinking, irrational and sexually-starved gender! And I, being a woman, am offended by that representation. Had I been Anastasia I would either have thrown garbage at Christian and reported him to the police or would have sought medical/psychological help for him! And it is sad that there are millions of women out there who don’t feel the same way as I do.